That time we attempted baking

How people without children bake (a 10 step process):

Open cookbook, select recipe, take out required ingredients, locate needed utensils. Measure out ingredients, mix, bake, remove from oven, congratulate oneself, eat created product.

How people with short people bake (an 11 364 step process):

Decide that today seems like a good day for baking, plus it will kill some time until the husbander gets home. Plus, baking, yum! Select cookbook & browse through recipes whilst keeping one eye (& ear) on the short people.

Select easy enough sounding recipe & start taking out ingredients.

Inwardly congratulate oneself when oldest short person realizes what’s happening & excitedly passes on the message to his sister & they grab their plastic chairs & choose their spots by the counter. Try & have a teaching moment on how & when we use/preheat the oven. Give up due to glazed looks on short people’s faces.

Start measuring out the butter & ask the short people to see if they can recognize the numbers on the electric scale. Ask youngest short person to stop trying to eat the butter/leaning on the scale/pushing her brother off his chair.

Add sugar. Mix, then hand over the spoon to Chaos as she asked to mix first whilst Mayhem sulks. After a few minutes let Mayhem have a turn whilst Chaos sulks as she considered 5.3 seconds an adequate amount of time for her brother to mix.

Take short people to lounge & tell them the baking will only commence when they both stop crying. Wait for everyone to regather in kitchen & attempt mixing, take 2.

Allow mixture to be sampled. Allow more mixture to be sampled. Shoo away onslaught of fingers otherwise there won’t be any mixture left.

Let short people add remaining ingredients & inwardly sigh at comments like “but I haven’t had a turn” (you just did, like 3 seconds ago) & “I can’t see” (you can, your eyes work perfectly, use them).

Finish mixing everything & set aside.

Start tidying the counter whilst trying to get Mayhem to understand that shoving the used utensils to the other side of the counter does not count as tidying up.

Take out cookie cutters & breathe in relief when there’s no arguments over their cutters of choice.

Dust flour on counter & rolling pin. Roll out dough. Curse quietly under breath at dough sticking to rolling pin & counter. Stop fingers from grabbing dough whilst still trying to roll it out.

Cut a dividing line in dough, let dough sides be chosen. Help Chaos cut out cookie shapes. Smooth Mayhem’s side as Chaos keeps wanting to cut out shapes on his side too. Allow Mayhem to have his turn. Place cookies on baking sheet, sprinkle with blue sugar & place in oven. Tell short persons to go to the lounge without telling them that the remaining dough can be re-rolled & cut. Cut out more shapes.

Take out cookies when done, muttering angrily because they’re now sticking to the non-stick baking sheet & they’re super hot. Allow cookies to cool whilst quickly scoffing down some of the headless dinosaurs & ear-less bunnies that didn’t make it (tell yourself you’re saving the short persons unnecessary visual trauma).

Serve cookies & give yourself an internal high five when the kids express that they love the cookies (they can be ridiculously picky). Make yourself tea, take a deep breath & remind yourself that you will never attempt baking with the short persons again…until next time.

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