That time we made pizza dough

Ever hear about a pizza dough recipe that only uses like 3 ingredients & one of them is yoghurt? Well, besides being extremely sceptical I decided to attempt it as one of our covid-19 lockdown “crafts”…

Ingredients: 1 cup of Yoghurt (seems like any plain will do, I went with double cream as that’s the shorts yoghurt of choice), 2 cups self-raising flour (you can make your own with cake flour & baking powder, think it’s 2 teapoons baking powder to 1 cup flour), smidge of salt (himalayan for the win).

Tell the shorts you’re going to be making homemade pizzas, bask in their un-enthusiasm as if they’ve been down this road before (it was only once, & after their reaction, & hanging my head in shame at my failure I’ve been too scared to attempt it again…until today…dundundaaaaaa), & crack on. After mixing the ingredients in a bowl, tip it out onto a flour sprinkled kitchen counter & start kneading it together, adding more flour if it becomes sticky. Rejoice inwardly when youngest short comes to investigate what it is you are doing & asks if she can be involved in the squishing (silently pray that the chops will actually eat this & that it hasn’t been a colossal waste of yogurt, flour & time). At some point you should probably pre-heat your oven to 260°C (must be hot otherwise no crispy crusty for you), & grease some pizza pans if you have (I used some pie dishes). Divide dough in half & allow the youngest short to roll it out (she’s having an amazing time, oldest can’t be bothered). Place dough in greased pans & spread out to the sides (youngest short has now disappeared). Add a little olive oil/tomato paste/tomato sauce/whatever you have on hand as a base, add some toppings & bake in oven for 15min – comes out kind of like a deep dish pizza with a thick crust, so if you prefer thin use a larger pan or divide the dough into 4.

Whilst baking, continue to stress about what it is you have actually done…I mean yoghurt, in pizza dough, wtf! My life is over, no-one is going to eat it, I’ll never be trusted to make food ever again. Anyway, oven buzzer goes off, this is it, is it even cooked through, who knows! Take pizza out, de-stick from pan, cut in 4 slices, breathe a little because it looks like it’s cooked. Add more dough, toppings etc. into oven. Ask Husbander to take the food out to the little darlings who are causing madness outside. Sigh when the food is returned due to them now wanting to eat inside. Watch pizza slide off plate onto newly vacuumed & mopped floor. Grip hands tightly to prevent oneself from losing it. Finally observe shorts sitting down & attempting to eat the pizza, walk away from the silence (is it good, is it bad, give me something, anything) & serve Husbander & yourself. Hide in bedroom. Suddenly the oldest short startles you declaring that this is the best pizza in the world & can we make it every day (ummm, no, but maybe in a few days time?)…no other pizza dough recipe required – this is the one! The holy grail of pizza…Enjoy 🙂

That time we made Flapjacks/Crumpets/Griddle Cakes

This…is THE ONLY flapjack/crumpet/griddle cake recipe you’ll ever need/want/have/make.

Ingredients: 1 cup of self raising flour, 1 egg, 1 cup of milk (no sugar, no salt, no worries). Including short people is compulsory. Makes about 20ish depending on how big you make them.

Let the shorts mix the ingredients (makes them really happy for some reason), add more milk or flour until you have a decent runnyish mixture (or until you’re happy with the consistency), & then if you have one add the mixture to a squeezy bottle (kind of like those old school red & yellow squeezy bottles, which you can still get as far as I know). Needs to be a screw top squeezy bottle otherwise you’ll end up with batter & the top part of your bottle in the pan (been there, done that). Heat pan. Squeeze out some batter. When you see many tiny bubbles (looks a little creepy if you’re that way inclined), turn over. Paranoid checking is welcome until the bottom side is also a nice golden brown, remove from pan.

Depending on the size of your pan you can usually do a few of these at the same time so as to prevent the short people from screaming that they haven’t been fed in the last 21 months. Don’t be afraid to experiment with shapes (the shorts will be in awe & crown you as their leader) unless you don’t handle well under the pressure of shape ideas being thrown at you from all directions.

Serve warm with a bit of syrup drizzled over (if you have more than one short make sure you give them both equal amounts of flapjacks AT THE SAME TIME to prevent war from breaking out in your living room area & having the house set on fire). I’m planning to attempt this again soon with some food colouring added…I might even let the shorts flip the flapjacks.

Happy Making! P.s Make sure to follow @Mayhem_and_Chaos1984 on Instagram if you’re keen to see what arty farty crafty things we’ll be getting up to, during our covid-19 lock down, as we get up to them.

That time we attempted baking

How people without children bake (a 10 step process):

Open cookbook, select recipe, take out required ingredients, locate needed utensils. Measure out ingredients, mix, bake, remove from oven, congratulate oneself, eat created product.

How people with short people bake (an 11 364 step process):

Decide that today seems like a good day for baking, plus it will kill some time until the husbander gets home. Plus, baking, yum! Select cookbook & browse through recipes whilst keeping one eye (& ear) on the short people.

Select easy enough sounding recipe & start taking out ingredients.

Inwardly congratulate oneself when oldest short person realizes what’s happening & excitedly passes on the message to his sister & they grab their plastic chairs & choose their spots by the counter. Try & have a teaching moment on how & when we use/preheat the oven. Give up due to glazed looks on short people’s faces.

Start measuring out the butter & ask the short people to see if they can recognize the numbers on the electric scale. Ask youngest short person to stop trying to eat the butter/leaning on the scale/pushing her brother off his chair.

Add sugar. Mix, then hand over the spoon to Chaos as she asked to mix first whilst Mayhem sulks. After a few minutes let Mayhem have a turn whilst Chaos sulks as she considered 5.3 seconds an adequate amount of time for her brother to mix.

Take short people to lounge & tell them the baking will only commence when they both stop crying. Wait for everyone to regather in kitchen & attempt mixing, take 2.

Allow mixture to be sampled. Allow more mixture to be sampled. Shoo away onslaught of fingers otherwise there won’t be any mixture left.

Let short people add remaining ingredients & inwardly sigh at comments like “but I haven’t had a turn” (you just did, like 3 seconds ago) & “I can’t see” (you can, your eyes work perfectly, use them).

Finish mixing everything & set aside.

Start tidying the counter whilst trying to get Mayhem to understand that shoving the used utensils to the other side of the counter does not count as tidying up.

Take out cookie cutters & breathe in relief when there’s no arguments over their cutters of choice.

Dust flour on counter & rolling pin. Roll out dough. Curse quietly under breath at dough sticking to rolling pin & counter. Stop fingers from grabbing dough whilst still trying to roll it out.

Cut a dividing line in dough, let dough sides be chosen. Help Chaos cut out cookie shapes. Smooth Mayhem’s side as Chaos keeps wanting to cut out shapes on his side too. Allow Mayhem to have his turn. Place cookies on baking sheet, sprinkle with blue sugar & place in oven. Tell short persons to go to the lounge without telling them that the remaining dough can be re-rolled & cut. Cut out more shapes.

Take out cookies when done, muttering angrily because they’re now sticking to the non-stick baking sheet & they’re super hot. Allow cookies to cool whilst quickly scoffing down some of the headless dinosaurs & ear-less bunnies that didn’t make it (tell yourself you’re saving the short persons unnecessary visual trauma).

Serve cookies & give yourself an internal high five when the kids express that they love the cookies (they can be ridiculously picky). Make yourself tea, take a deep breath & remind yourself that you will never attempt baking with the short persons again…until next time.